How to make friends as an adult Pt. 3: Be Interesting in Public

Don't hide your interests, they're the catalyst to new relationships

I inhaled the scents of matcha and cappuccinos as I waited in line at the café; I was reading Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow, a novel lent to me by my neighbor. As I waited, I noticed an old man staring at my book, considering whether or not to approach me. He briefly hesitated and then walked over.

"You know that's from Shakespeare right?"

I met his gaze and gestured to the book I was reading. "What, this book? I don't think Shakespeare wrote it."

"No" he explained, "the title is a reference to Macbeth"

"Oh, cool! I didn't know that"

The man and I exchanged pleasantries and, after telling me about some of his favorite books, left me to my reading. A few seconds later a short lady with glasses walked over and, again, asked me about my book. She volunteered stories about her toddler, who she was teaching to read; I could practically see her soul light up just thinking about her son and his budding love of reading. After she left, yet ANOTHER girl approached me, told me that she had heard great things about my book, gave me some recommendations, and left. What is it about reading in public that prompts people to be so open to sharing their love of books?

During my efforts to build a community in this new city, I have been taking note of what practices ease the formation of new bonds. While being intentional about one's effort to initiate conversation is vital to creating relationships, overtly showcasing that which piques my interest has opened the door for many new friendships; a compliment on an outfit or an inquiry about a book is a great way to facilitate the transition into conversations with those you don't know; most people are itching to grow their social circle and one of the main things holding them back is the fear of cold approaching strangers.

There's this book that I reference a lot, 'The Power of Strangers: Connecting in a Suspicious World', and one of the concepts that it introduced me to is this thing called "triangulation." At one point in the book, the author paints a scene of a man approaching a woman in the street to drum up a conversation. She is understandably skeptical and takes a few minutes to let her guard down, eventually realizing that he doesn't have some ulterior motive. The next scene the author depicts is of someone in a museum observing a piece of art. A stranger walks up next to them and comments on the painting, triangulating on their shared experience of this art to ease their way into a dialogue. Triangulation seems to be what is happening when we ask a stranger about their book or compliment their particularly snazzy shirt; we're afforded some reason to actually begin talking to them.

Given this epiphany about attracting interesting conversation partners, how can one apply this knowledge in a genuine manner? While appearing interesting to others seems like an effective strategy, going to coffee shops donning your most outrageous outfit and showcasing a copy of the newest pop psychology book feels like a move in the wrong direction; lying for the approval of others is not a sustainable way to create bonds. The right action must instead be to openly showcase what truly interests you with the faith that you will be a magnet for the right people.

Triangulate on that which fascinates you about others and unashamedly display your interests to increase your likelihood of meeting like-minded individuals.