How to make friends as an adult Pt. 4: Be slow to write people off

They might just surprise you

Passersby, by Lantian D. at the National Portrait Gallery

I walked out of the convenience store and unlocked my bike, preparing to head home. It was 10 pm on a Saturday and pretty dark out. As I was about to kick off, I heard someone call out from behind me. I turned around and a large man approached. He wore glasses, rocked a full suit, and was sitting on an old green cruiser-style bike. "Where did you get your bike lock?" he asked. I mumbled something about not remembering, hoping to be rid of this strange late-night encounter, but he persisted. He asked my name, we chatted for a bit, and at the end of our conversation, he handed me a business card. "Shoot me an email! We should grab a coffee sometime!" As I walked home I realized that, while my countenance displayed interest, I was judging this person for no reason besides the context of the encounter. Why not see what could come of this interaction? 

I met up with him a few days later at a Starbucks and was thrust into one of the most interesting conversations I've ever had. Garry is a 69-year-old author who writes biographies about the lives of presidents. During the course of our friendship, he has been a guest for the white house historical association and published multiple books, one of which he added me to the acknowledgments of. What an honor it's been to have Garry in my life, an experience I could have missed out on if I had been too quick to judge him on the first encounter. People only have the chance to surprise you when judgment is reserved. 

First impressions are simultaneously the most important meeting you have with someone AND the encounter when we tend to be least at ease. This pressure often results in a first impression not reflective of one's true nature; by this point, people's minds are made up, and a second chance is often out of the question. 

Much is said about the ills of being prejudiced nowadays, but we must acknowledge where this tendency comes from in the first place. Humans are complicated creatures and can act in a manner contrary to what they truly desire (and often for good reason.) For the purpose of simplifying the complex inner lives of everyone else, we try to fit those we meet into a box; comparing them to others we have met with similar traits. The obvious problem with this is that humans are too nuanced in nature to narrow them to some one-dimensional avatar. 

We are even more likely to put those we have already met in a box because we've SEEN how they operate time and time again. Despite this fact, I've found that if you give people an honest chance and assume positive intent, they will often prove you wrong.

When, then, should you write someone off, if ever? There are obviously times when someone should be removed from your life, but today's culture has made it so that this point of intolerance comes too soon. We are fundamentally selfish beings, often going to the ends of the earth to rationalize our own actions; with others, however, we are quick to cast blame when they are in the wrong. Becoming a more understanding individual necessitates the reversal of this mode of being; we should be tough on ourselves and full of grace with others.

I define tough, not as self-hatred or cruelty; rather, it just means being cognizant of when we are giving ourselves excuses — we have a lot more information about our internal drivers than we do others. Given the lack of context we have about the lives of those we tend to write off, we must have grace; the full extent of suffering that others endure is often hidden from plain view.

I've been trying to give people a genuine chance without resentment. When we feel wronged by someone, it is easy only to see them in that light. This tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy as every action they take that is even mildly negative manifests as another example of their evil. Giving other's a chance isn't just allowing yourself to be with them; it is easy to do that in a way that is resentful; rather, assume that others have positive intent. Have genuine curiosity about the life lurking below the surface of the often abrasive shell of those who you would otherwise steer clear of.

In many ways, we have too much control over our lives. You can curate your dating life, the type of entertainment you like, and the friends you'd like to be around with such scrutiny that we struggle to take people as they are: imperfect, broken, yet trying to improve. Furthermore, we see the world through the lens of our experiences and flaws; is the problem always with others? Or might it be within ourselves?

Be slow to write people off and they will surprise you.